How to Pray for Someone Who Has Hurt You

You kneel to pray, or sit with your morning tea, and their face arrives before any words do. The friend who spread the story. The parent who never apologised. The colleague who took the credit and smiled about it. You know the teaching to pray for those who wrong you, and you also know that right now you would rather not mention them to God at all.

Learning how to pray for someone who has hurt you is one of the slowest practices in the life of faith. It rarely starts with warm feelings, and it does not need to. What follows is what I have learned from my own long seasons of it, and from sitting with others in theirs: where to begin, what to say when you cannot say much, and what this kind of prayer does not ask of you.

Start by Praying About Them, Not for Them

Most of us try to jump straight to blessing the person, and the words stick in our throat. There is an earlier step that the Psalms model again and again: tell God plainly what happened and how it felt.

Psalm 55 is a good companion here. The writer describes being wounded not by an enemy but by a close friend, someone they once walked with to worship. The psalm does not tidy up the anger. It sets it before God first. You can do the same:

Name what they did, in one or two plain sentences.
Name what it cost you: trust, sleep, a friendship, years.
Say honestly what you feel now, even if it is bitterness.

This is not a failure to pray well. It is the ground the rest of the prayer grows from. If you find your own words running dry, the practice of praying the Psalms when words run out gives you language that others have already tested.

How to Pray for Someone Who Has Hurt You in One Sentence

When you are ready to move from them as the subject to them as the person you pray for, start very small. One sentence, once a day, is enough. A few I have used or been given:

"Lord, I place them in your hands, because I cannot hold them in mine."
"Give them what they truly need, even if I cannot name it."
"Let them come to know the truth about what happened."
"I do not want to wish them harm. Help me mean that."

Notice that none of these require you to feel affection. The fourth one is especially honest: it asks for the desire, rather than pretending to have it already. Over weeks, many people find that saying the words slowly changes what they mean.

What This Prayer Does Not Ask of You

A great deal of harm has been done by people who confused forgiveness with other things. It is worth being clear about what praying for someone does not require.

Praying for them means	It does not mean
Releasing your wish for revenge	Pretending the hurt was small
Wanting their good before God	Restoring the relationship
Letting God be the judge	Staying silent about wrongdoing
Returning to the prayer over time	Feeling peace by a deadline

If the person who hurt you is still a danger to you or to others, praying for them sits alongside protecting yourself, reporting harm and keeping distance. Prayer is never a reason to stay where you are not safe.

Why I Disagree With "Forgive and Forget"

The phrase sounds pious, but it is not in Scripture, and it sets people up to feel like failures. Memory is not a sin. You may remember a deep wrong for the rest of your life, and still pray for the person every week. The two are not in conflict.

I also gently push back on the advice to wait until you feel ready. Readiness tends to arrive through the practice, not before it. When Jesus taught his followers to pray for those who persecute them, he gave it as something to do, not a feeling to wait for. On the cross, praying "Father, forgive them," he was hardly in a calm or comfortable state. If you wait for the feeling to come first, you may wait for years.

What I would say instead is: begin with what is true, keep it short, and let the prayer do its slow work. One honest sentence said in anger is closer to faithfulness than a warm paragraph you do not mean.

When the Feelings Come Back

You may pray for someone for months and feel your heart soften, then see their name on a wedding invitation or hear their voice on a phone call and feel the old anger rush back. This is normal. Healing from a deep hurt is rarely a straight line.

When it happens, try a short breath prayer rather than a long one. Breathe in on "Lord, have mercy," breathe out on "on them and on me." It takes ten seconds and you can pray it in a car park or a meeting. I have written more about this pattern in breath prayers for anxious moments, and it works just as well for anger as for worry.

Some people keep a small note in their prayer journal with the date they first began praying for the person. Looking back after six months, they often notice changes they could not see week to week.

Bringing Others Alongside You

This kind of prayer can feel lonely, especially if the person who hurt you is known to your church, family or friends. You do not have to carry it alone.

Ask one trusted friend to pray for you, not for the situation to be fixed, but for you to keep going.
Speak with a pastor, priest or spiritual director, especially if the hurt is affecting your sleep, health or faith.
Consider professional counselling alongside prayer for serious harm. The two support each other.

Choose carefully whom you tell. Sharing the story widely in the name of prayer requests can quietly turn into gossip, which tends to keep the wound open.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it wrong to pray for justice instead of blessing?

No. The Psalms are full of honest prayers for justice. Asking God to set things right is different from asking for revenge, and it hands the outcome to God rather than keeping it in your hands.

What if the person never apologises?

Many never do. Praying for them does not depend on their response. It is primarily about where you place the hurt and the person, not about changing them on your timetable.

How long should I keep praying for them?

There is no fixed span. Some people pray daily for a season, then return to it whenever the memory surfaces. Let it be a practice you come back to, not a task to finish.

Begin With One Honest Sentence Tonight

Tonight, tell God what happened in two plain sentences. Then say one short line for the person, even if you do not mean it fully yet. Repeat it tomorrow. Do not judge the prayer by how you feel during it. Judge it, months from now, by how much more freely you breathe when their name comes up. You will find more gentle practices like this in our prayer collection.